Friday, June 10, 2011

DECISIONS, decisions...PART I

So, clearly I've taken a bit of an unexpected break from posting. 

I planned to give myself Memorial Day and it's amazing how quickly my commitment unraveled from there. 

I guess I've been a bit unclear about taking this to the next level. 

I'm simultaneously trying to find work and a new apartment, so it's been challenging to divvy up my time and mental energy.

But the real thing that's been holding me back is how I feel about sharing and the direction I want the blog to go.

Obviously it's all in my hands and I can handle it however I want. 

The same is true of my life as a whole. It's all in my hands and I can handle it however I want. 

There's nothing more empowering...or more frightening for me. 

There's a huge parallel there.

The way I felt about choosing to move forward with this is the way I've felt about choosing a career path...uncertain, overwhelmed and at times, paralyzed. 

I've come very close to talking myself out of this whole process.

What comes up, naturally, is fear. Fear of judgment, fear of failure, fear of success, insecurity, uncertainty, blah blah blah. 

It's the same old thing that's stopped me from forging forward at so many times in my life. I'm so tired of it and I truly want to get over it. 

Most of me HATES the idea of sharing my shit. It's uncomfortable, to say the least. 

When was the last time you were excited to be vulnerable? But no one's holding a gun to my head to do it.

I'm choosing to put myself out there with both the hope AND the fear of gaining an audience. It's been so hard to rationalize that contradiction.

I've never been an attention seeker and it kinda comes with the territory here. So why now? 

I can't tell you how many times I asked myself over the last week...why am I doing this? 

I am shaking my head as I write. I don’t know.

I know I want to be heard in some way. But it's about connecting for me as opposed to being in a spotlight.  

I want to inspire others. I want to create a platform for things beyond my own life...things that will encourage positive change on both ends. 

There it is.

That’s why I’m doing this.

This was practically a therapy session. Feel like I just gave birth. 

The truth is I was a little bummed out last week and as I started questioning, it stopped feeling right. 

I made up all these reasons why I shouldn't move forward. Unfortunately, that’s been a familiar story in my life.

This process touches on all of my major demons and that's why I chose to do it. Doing it despite all that is what I hope will provide some clarity and open new doors.

At the very least, it'll hopefully make me braver and stronger...and maybe it'll put my fear of commitment to rest once and for all.

I know I have no idea where this is going, but I want to find out. 

I do think it's important to set an intention and have a clear vision.

But I also believe it's okay to just take that leap of faith and go with it.

I need to be patient and accept that it will grow and evolve over time as opposed to being perfectly boxed, neatly wrapped and tied with a big red ribbon right out of the gate.

I'll continue to work on my intention with each post and remind myself that much of life's magic happens without a game plan....or despite one.

There may be risk involved but I'm choosing to play the game instead of sitting it out. Whatever happens, that's the best decision I could make.

So to those of you lovely, loyal people who have been following to this point, I truly apologize for being MIA.

I can't promise it wont ever happen again, even though my intention to move forward is clear.

But if and when it does, I promise know, keep ya posted!

Have a great weekend and thanks for your support!

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