Thursday, December 29, 2011

Coming Clean: PART II

Coming Clean: PART Part I here

At the same time as things were unravelling with my dad, I finally received my contract for the "dream job" I had gotten earlier in the summer.

By that time, we were in the amazing new office space in Greenpoint and I was commuting from Staten Island to the city and then into Brooklyn. 

It was very exciting and challenging, and I was both eager and anxious about the workload. A few road bumps slowed the process of getting things off the ground, but I felt like I was learning a lot and enjoying it all.

I was loving the freedom I had to develop the brand and establish the tone and voice of the company through my writing. It was also great to get positive feedback on my work.

I produced an initial blog or two, the majority of the web content, our company bios, mission statement, executive summary, print marketing, press release, etc. 

That same week, somewhere between avoiding the pouring rain and rushing to meet my former boss for dinner, I managed to leave my beloved, 2-month old macbook air in the back of a cab. 

Yup. $1500 computer. Gone. 

It was f-ing awful. I searched desperately, but nothing.

I hated myself for it and it still pains me to bring it up. So, in the words of Forrest Gump...that's all I have to say about that.

The next day, despite my hopefulness and excitement about the position, we hit a wall in the negotiation process and ultimately took a step back to re-evaluate the relationship.

I was pretty devastated and spent weeks not knowing where I stood or what my next step would be. 

It was such a confusing time, trying to make sense of how it all went down and how things got to that point so quickly and so unintentionally.

I spent a lot of time going over the details and trying to figure out how and where I went wrong.

I hadn't experienced anxiety like that in a reeaaally long time. There was a day or two I could barely peel myself out of bed.

I was finally feeling settled and confident about the direction of my professional life, and it was as if in an instant, the rug had been violently yanked from under me. As fast as it goes.

Looking back I think it was ridiculous to have gotten so upset, but I guess I had grown an unhealthy attachment to all the things the job represented for me.

I was also afraid the situation validated my worst fears about myself...that I wasn't capable, that I wasn't worthy of success, that I was subconsciously out to sabotage myself, that I wasn't cut out for a "real job", that I might never reach my potential. 

Amazing how easy it is to kick ourselves when we're already down. It was light years from the confidence and security I felt just days before. 

Luckily, with my amazing support system and all the work I've done over the last year, I was able to contain the aftermath, put it in perspective and get back to a strong place much faster than I would have in the past. Something like this would've had the old me in a depression without question. It was great to recognize that change.

A good friend suggested I give myself time to grieve the loss and I thought that was great advice. It made me realize it was okay to be long as I didn't over indulge in that space. 

The hardest part was not knowing. I was in a state of limbo, hoping to salvage the relationship, waiting to come to some sort of conclusion.  

When I was finally able to step out of my anxiety, I realized I could find what I valued about that job elsewhere. It was at that point I was able to let it all go. 

So, after some grieving, I got back up, dusted myself off and began devising a new game plan for myself. 

I wasn't looking forward to starting over and wasn't even sure I'd have to, but after weeks of uncertainty, I had no choice but to move forward...

PART III tomorrow!


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