Wednesday, April 20, 2011

A little mo' about me... PART III

So, where am I now?

Well, I just turned 32, I’m single, and after years of living in Manhattan, I’m subletting my apartment and temporarily living at home with my mom…in Staten Island. Oh, and I’m currently unemployed. (Long pause for judgment).

NOTE: (I'm happy to say I'm no longer unemployed! Check out posts about my job sitch here...and here!)

Despite these seemingly grim facts, I’m also in the best place I’ve been in for years. Don’t get me wrong, there were moments I didn’t leave the house cause I was pretty certain I was a colossal loser and my life was over.

It’s been a rough road at times, but I learned the hard way- via beating myself into a depression and subsequently clawing my way out- that while these are the stats of my life at the moment, they’re not the stats of me. They don’t define me (unless I let them, of course).

In fact, being unattached to a job, a significant other, a lovely apartment, allowed me to get back an unfiltered sense of myself I hadn’t seen in years.

I think when you’re stripped of the things you identify with most, you ultimately realize that they’re not necessary for survival. At least not in the spiritual sense.

If you take that time to reflect and use it as an opportunity for growth, it’s amazing what you can create for yourself from a whole lot of empty space.

It just so happens there was a great need for change in my life. Did it have to come to all this for me to make those changes? I guess so.

I had been struggling with certain issues for years but never really dealt with them because on the outside things were manageable, and I was fine. But who really wants to be fine?

That cycle might’ve continued for years before I was able to devote adequate time and attention to it. Do I feel a sense of judgment sometimes about my situation? Yes.

Would I prefer to be where I am today- sans relationship, sans apartment, sans job- yet feeling “great” as opposed to “fine?” Absolutely.

I never thought I’d say it but I’m so grateful for the time this situation has given me to figure it all out. There are so many amazing things that have come out of this period in my life. And it’s made for some great writing!

New doors are already opening. Aside from this blog, I’m doing some freelance writing for a local startup site. It’s in the beginning phases and I’m so excited to be a part of that.

Until recently, I had never really considered this as a possibility. This being blogging. Now that I have and I’m actually doing it, I’m in love with it! I’m starting to consider what else is really possible and that’s a great feeling.

I'm not someone who is completely comfortable stepping out into the spotlight, yet it seems many things I've longed to do require that. The truth is I hate being ruled by fear. The only thing worse than doing what's uncomfortable is being limited by what's uncomfortable.

So I'm pushing the boundaries of my comfort zone. I've never felt this vulnerable and it's been both terrifying and empowering. I know whatever happens, I've already gotten something priceless out of it.

Me and my life will continue to be a work in progress so stay tuned for much more as I continue my journey onward and upward…armed with my recently reclaimed weapon…my MOJO!

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